don't ask me to be your sugar mama

Dating: Don’t ask me to be your sugar mama

As a career-driven, professional woman, I know I come off as intimidating to most guys. I also know that given my background as an Indian American, many have preconceived notions about who I am and what I want. Given that I don’t fit the stereotype, I also end up surprising people (for instance, many assume that I’m looking for a sugar daddy; the story I tell you today involves someone asking me to be their sugar mama).

Check out this story.

The guy

My first match was a professional, who owned his own business, not a physician, but successful in his own right, and he was a few years older than me. He contacted me first (point for him) and after a few messages back and forth asked me out for drinks (quickly asking someone out: bonus points, I hate prolonged exchanges before meeting someone).

The date

We met up at a bar/restaurant in my neighborhood that had just opened. As soon as we sat down things started to roll down hill. He almost immediately admitted that he loves being single, has no interest in having a girl friend (he doesn’t like being told what to do) and ultimately has no desire to get married. I called him out for being so cynical (from the things he was saying, he seemed to have zero faith in people) and in my head I wondered why the heck I was even there.

Somehow we got through a couple rounds of drinks and at the end he casually starts to mention how he’ll date me so long as I take care of everything, bills, kids, etc etc. and he’ll make sure we hang out every so often.

I’m sure much of that was meant as a joke, but given how the whole night had gone, I was not in the mood for his jokes.

Me: “excuse me? I am not your sugar mama. “

Him: “well I just want to make sure I don’t become your sugar daddy”

Me: “I never asked for one, nor do I need one”

Soon thereafter, the date ended and I went to my friends place to unload all the gory details of my awful night.

The message

To guys out there, when you decide to go on a date, make sure its something you actually want to do. Even without his blatant admission, I would have figured out he had no interest in a relationship, casual or serious.

In addition, as a professional woman with a career of my own, I am quite capable of taking care of myself. I don’t need a sugar daddy. On the same note, I don’t want to be your sugar mama. I’m not looking for someone to take care of; you have a mother, you don’t need another one. When I date, it’s to look for a partner. That means being on equal ground and eventually sharing everything:  money, finances, debt, laughter, pain, family issues, work issues, happiness, and sadness.

In my culture, as an Indian-American, there is a stereotype I guess you could say, or trend, where, for many women, marriage is the ultimate goal in life. Marriage equals success and you can go on to make your parents proud by having babies and carrying on the family name. If you are not married, especially by a certain age, then you are seen as having failed, as if something is wrong with you. I know plenty of Indian women, despite being educated and driven physicians, who have this mindset.

I, however, do NOT. My parents, God bless them both, raised me to pursue my career first, establish myself, be independent and then find a man. I’m over thirty and they are not freaking out or searching on my behalf. Even when I do date someone, while I’m sure they are hopeful and excited, they will always caution me,

“Make sure he’s the one, make sure he’ll support you and your career, make sure make sure make sure before you take any more steps forward.”


I’m sure this date, who was also Indian-American, had all kinds of prejudices when it came to Indian women. He likely saw me as another Indian female who couldn’t wait to get married, start a family and quit my job. Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having those goals, I just don’t think I fit into that stereotype and find it unfair to have such deep assumptions made about me without trying to get to know me first.

Chapter closed

Needless to say, I have no desire to see this guy again (nor have I heard from him, Thank God). I try to take these experiences philosophically and learn what I can from them. In this case, I was able to speak out against his attempts to box me into a stereotype. I stood my ground about what I wanted and called him out on his negativity. I denied him as a sugar daddy and slammed the door shut on being his sugar mama.

Case closed.

On to the next chapter.

Featured and pinnable images courtesy of unsplash